Personal Boundaries

"Boundaries are the distances at which I can love you and me, simultaneously.” - Prentis Hemphill.

What is a Boundary?

Consider what happens when someone stands too close to you in a coffee shop on a Sunday morning. You understand that the store is packed, and the queue is long, yet you are anxious and feel the need to tell that person: “Give me some space, please.”

In our three-dimensional reality, a boundary can be a fence between two houses, it can be abstract, such as a moral boundary that you decided was right or wrong, or it can be something that you don't have to see but is measurable, such as the COVID-19 distancing protocol, which states, "Keep a distance of at least 1 meter from each other." Scientists believe that a one-meter distance is sufficient to prevent the virus from spreading and safeguard both you and me. So, a boundary is a limit that we must stay within, and it can be flexible and vary depending on our personality, culture, and social context.

Personal experience has shown me that interpersonal boundaries are the most easily violated because we don't have fixed guidelines. From the time we are born, we have been hardwired with a primal need, a need for survival, and in order to survive, we seek connection with others. We feel more obligated to do things we don't want to do just to be socially accepted. And this belief clings with us day after day, year after year until we grow so dependent on it that we don't want to do anything that makes people unhappy.

Our culture also pushes people to follow certain standards, and we do so blindly. If life is simply a brief play, but we take it too seriously and we miss out on the chance to appreciate the simplest things. Then what is the meaning of life? And if prioritizing other people's needs and desires ahead of our own is a sign of goodwill, then how much is considered good enough?

The Importance of Setting Clear Boundaries

We will eventually hurt ourselves if we do not set clear boundaries, and people who lack a sense of boundaries are more likely to invade your physical, emotional, and mental space. They can disturb you by getting too close, taking advantage of you, disrespecting you, expressing too much concern for you, or simply talking about inappropriate topics.

It's considered unpleasant in Western countries to ask specific questions like how much you make or if you're single or married, yet it's perfectly acceptable in Asia. We Asians are very family-oriented; we value family connections, not just immediate family but relatives as well. We define the connection as caring and loving, which is fine, but I get the feeling that our personal boundaries are also a little unclear. I left Vietnam when I was young, and every time I returned for Tet, I was bombarded with questions like "Are you single? Why are you single? When are you going to get married? If you don't want to get married, have a baby.” One time is okay, two times…fine, but when they do it again and again, that’s when I found them unconsciously violate my limits. However, most people are unaware of their actions because the concept of privacy and boundaries in Vietnam is quite hazy, and no one teaches us about it.

I appreciate that everyone cares about me, but I think that caring can be expressed in different ways. As I grew older, I developed more empathy for those around me, to the point that I didn't react every time someone asked me the same questions. People view and act differently due to generational, cultural, and mindset differences and it is not our business to judge, and it is certainly not our responsibility to change anyone's beliefs or behaviours. So, I'm not going to take anything personally and will continue to do what I believe is best for myself.

You may also find yourself in the following situations:

• A co-worker frequently makes unwanted physical contact or insulting comments about your appearance with other coworkers, making you feel awkward and humiliated.

• Your boss regularly requests that you work extra hours on weekends without pay.

• Your friend continues to make jokes about you in public without considering your feelings.

• Your relatives borrow money from you on a regular basis, regardless of your financial situation.

• Or you try to communicate your thoughts and emotions to a loved one, but they repeatedly talk over you, yell at you, or walk out in the middle of it.

When someone invades your personal space, you wake up feeling bitter, resentful, and empty, take action and say No. I should emphasize that there is nothing wrong with making an effort, helping, or doing something for someone you care about, but caring about someone and knowing how to care for them are two different things. When the level of caring and support becomes excessive and unhealthy, we must take a step back.

I also understand that talking is often easier than doing, and it's frightening to say No or fight back because you're afraid of losing people's interest or being rejected. People may lose interest in you or reject you, but this could be a good thing because you begin to see the truth, that no one in this world cares about your well-being as much as you do, and those who truly care about you will fight for you and stay by your side no matter what.

Another possibility is that your No will be regarded as abandonment, but there is a way to make the process a little smoother with mutual understanding and without triggering unpleasant disconnection - direct communication.

It is your responsibility to keep, communicate, and honour your boundaries. So, the next time your boss asks you to work on the weekend, tell him, "I am unable to come into the office on Saturday. I reserve weekends for my family.” or if your loved one continues to ignore you, tell them, “It's okay to be upset, but yelling at me or walking away in the middle of our conversation is not."

Be as honest and straightforward as possible, and accept whatever comes your way, even discomfort, regret, or remorse. We can't truly connect with someone unless we acknowledge our own and others' boundaries in order to move the relationship to the next level.

A Pathway to Compassion

"Boundaries are the distances at which I can love you and me simultaneously," said Prentis. Only through compassion and empathy can we fully love and accept others as they are, without any expectations. In other words, if you truly want to exercise compassion, you must first establish healthy boundaries and hold individuals accountable for their actions. It takes time and effort, but it will pay off in the long run.

— Q